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DC/DNVR [The Island of Dr. Moreau]

Biography


The Helephino

The Helephino was one of the most puzzling entries in VPC history. Although different versions of the creature exists depending on the source, there are characteristics that are always the same. Webster’s Dictionary defines the Helephino as, “a fire-breathing non-binary monster with a hippopotamus’s mouth, an elephant’s trunk, a rhinoceros’s horn, and the body of all three at once.” This is an accurate summary of what the creature is, but that certainly doesn’t tell the whole story. Here’s a look at the story of the Helephino, one of the most bizarre constructs in all of Nerdcore:

Description of the Helephino

According to most sources, the Helephino was a creature who came from the internet, which was located in your imagination. The most common depiction of the creature is summarized with a single word, “wat?”The creature usually had the brain of a High-Optional, Logical, Multi-Evaluating Supervisor, Mark IV, a tail that looked like it belonged to a bathing suit model, and a body of work known to elicit head scratchings. In some versions, the Helephino did breathe fire, but this wasn’t a feature until round three.

Across the ages, the idea of creating a hybrid of some of the most irreverently odd elements in Nerdcore has often terrified people. In the case of the Helephino, the mix of themes that were part of its structure, particularly that prog shit, were especially intimidating and were incorporated into other creatures, such as the epic monstrosity Picnibus. In some cases, the term “prog shit” was also used in Nerdcore to describe a bunch of weirdos, which could explain why the Helephino occasionally breathed god damn rainbows.

What the Sources Say About the Helephino

Homer, the Ancient Greek author who penned both the Iliad and the Odyssey, talked about the Helephino in some of his works. In fact, his referencing of the creature is the earliest evidence that the creature was a part of Greek mythology. He said in the Iliad that the Helephino was, “a thing of immortal make, not human, emotion-fronted and glitch behind, a cacophony in the middle, and snorting out the breath of the spectacular flame of rainbow fire.”

Hesiod, the writer of the Theogony also mentioned the Helephino, and his description was very similar to Homer’s. He also talks a little bit about the creature’s origins. Hesiod said that, “They were the fairy godparent of nerds that breathed raging fire, a creature atypical, great, swift-lipped, and who had three halves, one of a grim-mouthed queerdo; in their hinderpart, a plastic dancer; and in their middle, drums that fucking knock, breathing forth an overwhelming blast of ‘what the hell did I just listen to?’. They did Beat Tape Bandits and noble Disstopia slay.”

The term “Helephino” has made it into the Nerdcore language. According to Webster’s Dictionary, it means, “something that exists only in the imagination and is not possible in reality.” Not only that, but the Helephino is one of those creatures that continues to fascinate the nerds. It seems that different tales have their own versions and they make their way into modern fiction, animated series, and even movies. It all started with the original Helephino, which had the mouth of a hippopotamus, trunk of an elephant, and the horn of a rhinoceros.

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    01. Chupacabra
    1up Funk

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    02. Where's Your Spirit
    1337 G33K B33F

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    03. Rise Squad
    Bleak n Mild

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    04. LOU (Life Or Undeath)
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    05. Baking Nightmares (Bloody Mary Mix)
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    06. Mistreated
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    07. Don't Move
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    08. Welcome to the Life of Walter Henry Sherman
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    09. Desu Desu
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    10. The Bunker
    gross/beats

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    11. Helevator
    Helephino

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    12. Cleetus
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    28. BAE
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